I look back and see a life that I hardly recognize anymore. It looks like a quietly hung painting with a beauty and strength easily noticed in each stroke. It makes sense and it is undisturbed. It sets in place just as it should.
Three hundred sixty five days ago, that is what my life looked like. The new school year had just begun. Elizabeth was beginning the new school year as a 3rd grader. She was excited about the year ahead, as she should be...field trips, class parties, school projects, new friends, award ceremonies, etc. Emily was now a 1st grader. Kindergarten was complete and she was in a ‘real’ grade, finally. She could not wait to get the year started. I was barely a month into my new job. With this new job came a better salary. We finally had enough head room to breathe and not wonder how we would meet our bills each month. A couple years earlier, we took a sort of leap of faith and moved from Louisiana to Texas as part of a leadership team starting a new church. When we first moved to Texas, I took a job that we knew would not provide enough. Actually, my salary only covered about two-thirds of our monthly budget. That was the leap of faith part. But now, a new door opened and we finally were at a more than stable place financially. Lots of new and really good things were happening in our lives.
Just a few days before school began, Marianne took the girls shopping for new school clothes. Marianne was so good at celebrating new times in their lives. She had a way of setting good expectations in their minds. Shopping with mom was an absolute treat for them. One that they were not always accustomed to. They were getting bigger and older and their clothes choices reflected so. While they tried on clothes and proudly modeled them for Marianne, Chloe and I just sat there bored out of our minds wishing we were somewhere else. Chloe wanted food. I wanted coffee. So she hopped on my back and we went searching for food and coffee, or anything that would rescue us from the fitting rooms. I can remember being a good distance away from the fitting rooms and still hearing Marianne say, “OH GIRLS, I LOVE IT!! You both look so beautiful!” I shook my head and smiled.
That was life then. And it was truly so beautiful.
Never would any of us have imagined that in just a few short days, that life would be no more.
But we are not there yet, at least not as we remember things in terms of the anniversary and in terms of a year. One year ago, things were still undisturbed. My life was not a picture that I was looking back at. It was real and actual, happening as it should in the moment. Most things were happening as I expected them to. Tomorrow will mark the day when everything went wrong, when Marianne was rushed to the ICU, when I talked to her last. But looking back at a year today, everything was great and in order. Life was full of love and plain, in the best of ways. Plain in the way that you hope for, when life seems favorable and fairly easy.
As good as that day was, I would not trade this day for that one. It may sound strange and be misunderstood to you, but that day was and it is no more. I can do nothing but remember that life. If I do anything but remember, that life steals from this day. And that beautiful life never stole from me. It only added to me. And so, I will only allow it to continue to add to me. I loved Marianne deeply, in a way that is very challenging to me as a writer to fully and properly describe. Maybe it is in the openness of my description that hints at the depth of love we shared. I am aware that love may exist again in my life at some point. That will be part of a new day.
Three hundred sixty five days ago, that is what my life looked like. The new school year had just begun. Elizabeth was beginning the new school year as a 3rd grader. She was excited about the year ahead, as she should be...field trips, class parties, school projects, new friends, award ceremonies, etc. Emily was now a 1st grader. Kindergarten was complete and she was in a ‘real’ grade, finally. She could not wait to get the year started. I was barely a month into my new job. With this new job came a better salary. We finally had enough head room to breathe and not wonder how we would meet our bills each month. A couple years earlier, we took a sort of leap of faith and moved from Louisiana to Texas as part of a leadership team starting a new church. When we first moved to Texas, I took a job that we knew would not provide enough. Actually, my salary only covered about two-thirds of our monthly budget. That was the leap of faith part. But now, a new door opened and we finally were at a more than stable place financially. Lots of new and really good things were happening in our lives.
Just a few days before school began, Marianne took the girls shopping for new school clothes. Marianne was so good at celebrating new times in their lives. She had a way of setting good expectations in their minds. Shopping with mom was an absolute treat for them. One that they were not always accustomed to. They were getting bigger and older and their clothes choices reflected so. While they tried on clothes and proudly modeled them for Marianne, Chloe and I just sat there bored out of our minds wishing we were somewhere else. Chloe wanted food. I wanted coffee. So she hopped on my back and we went searching for food and coffee, or anything that would rescue us from the fitting rooms. I can remember being a good distance away from the fitting rooms and still hearing Marianne say, “OH GIRLS, I LOVE IT!! You both look so beautiful!” I shook my head and smiled.
That was life then. And it was truly so beautiful.
Never would any of us have imagined that in just a few short days, that life would be no more.
But we are not there yet, at least not as we remember things in terms of the anniversary and in terms of a year. One year ago, things were still undisturbed. My life was not a picture that I was looking back at. It was real and actual, happening as it should in the moment. Most things were happening as I expected them to. Tomorrow will mark the day when everything went wrong, when Marianne was rushed to the ICU, when I talked to her last. But looking back at a year today, everything was great and in order. Life was full of love and plain, in the best of ways. Plain in the way that you hope for, when life seems favorable and fairly easy.
As good as that day was, I would not trade this day for that one. It may sound strange and be misunderstood to you, but that day was and it is no more. I can do nothing but remember that life. If I do anything but remember, that life steals from this day. And that beautiful life never stole from me. It only added to me. And so, I will only allow it to continue to add to me. I loved Marianne deeply, in a way that is very challenging to me as a writer to fully and properly describe. Maybe it is in the openness of my description that hints at the depth of love we shared. I am aware that love may exist again in my life at some point. That will be part of a new day.
You know I'm a big fan, Guy, so I hate to keep gushing, but that phrase about not stealing from today is some of the best I've read. So many need to put that into practice. You write healing.
"As good as that day was, I would not trade this day for that one. It may sound strange and be misunderstood to you, but that day was and it is no more. I can do nothing but remember that life. If I do anything but remember, that life steals from this day." - Wow, so well communicated. I'm amazed at your ability to grieve so well and live in faith for what God has in store.
I could hear her say “OH GIRLS, I LOVE IT!! You both look so beautiful!” and see her face when you wrote that. To remember Marianne is a beautiful thing.
Felicity: thank you so much!! Means so much to me.
Dana: that is very encouraging. Thank you!!
Kim: I can still hear her voice saying those words and the way they soaked it in. Beautiful, indeed.
The last couple of posts have left me in tears, but in a good way- with hope and faith and the joy of a life deeply reflected. Looking forward to more...
Guy, I miss working with but appreciate hearing your voice through your writing. Your reflections are a blessing to my heart.
carleen
Guy,
Your reflections are a blessing to my heart. I miss working with you and talking to you regularly but know you remain in my het and prayers.
carleen
Beauty comes in so many colors and I believe you have captured a rainbow~
Beauty comes in so many colors and I believe you have captured a rainbow~
You are truly a gifted writer. I was struck when you said, "If i do anything but remember, that steals away from this day." It was so well-written and touching. What a beautiful thought.
Jamie: hope, faith and joy...thank you for recognizing that. really means a lot to me.
Carleen: thank you...and I miss working with you more than you know. #phenomenalboss :)
Catarina & CJ: thank you so much for those kind words that you each shared!!