the dreamer.

Thursday, August 18, 2011 7:31 AM Posted by i am guy

I left behind a career that was comfortable and made sense to pursue a dream that burned a hole through my heart.  I simply had to do it.  We both agreed that it was far greater than the risk.  To me, it is appropriately fitting that the last thing that Marianne and I did together was to take a risk.  We packed up our family and left behind the comfortable place that was home in Louisiana to start a life in Texas, where we did not know many people.  As with any risk, venturing out into the unknown was quite uncomfortable initially, but so energizing and awakening, nonetheless.  We joined effort with a small team set on building a new church called Journey, in Denton, TX.  For us, it was a great risk, one that I would do again a thousand times over, but when Marianne died, that dream died also in a very similar way, unexpectedly but peacefully.  Life turned ending one dream and one life, but around the sharp corner was another beautiful dream and in many ways, a very different life.  It is burning a hole in my heart.  I simply have to do it.  On the level of pursuing dreams, everything else is secondary to writing.  It is more than a hope.  It is my activity and aim.  Now, I am working a job that doesn’t wake me up on any given day.  In fact, I dream of ways to get out of it and the day when I walk away into what I dream of doing as a full time, life sustaining, career, writing.  I’m writing a book in the times between working and relearning how to be a parent, this time, as a single dad.  All this while trying to maintain a blog and figure out if this will all somehow work.  The answer: only if I want it too. 

Only if I do it when I think I can’t, continue when I think I won’t and mostly, when it might not even matter.

Some days I get lost in why and how and when and what if. 
Why am I doing this again?
How, exactly, is this all going to work out?
When will this all happen?
What if it doesn’t?  What if what I write goes unnoticed like so many other books banished to outer bands of obscurity?

Truthfully, most days I get lost within these questions.  The struggle is pulling myself out beyond these questions to a point where I begin to write and create.  Some days that alone is the victory.  Just getting beyond the questions creating all this resistance and pulling me away from the transformation of dream to reality, for me, of writing, is a huge win because it is there when I get beyond the resistance, that I create and exist in a reality that started as a dream, but now is far more real than just a dream.

If what you are doing only matters if it matters to someone else, stop now.  It’s not worth it.  But, if you’d do it no matter what, if you simply can’t not do it...well then, keep on keeping on.  It’s worth the blood, sweat and tears, the confusion, the frustration and the risk.  It is a life that is inviting and waiting to be conquered.  The good news is that you are the one to conquer it.  Otherwise, you would not be the dreamer.

Comments (4)

lovegraceandhope said on August 18, 2011 8:56 PM

Guy - Id like to read pieces of your book as it comes a long... if you would like me too. I wrote a book two years ago... I'm sorting through what to do next. Should I try to publish? I dont know. I'm having friends read it, chew through it.
karenf said on August 19, 2011 9:35 AM

Your writings stablize the human factor in my walk with God. It brings me down to earth and makes me see that it is good! Will you succeed? I think SO. You are succeeding in making me a better person...kf
eclaire said on August 19, 2011 5:26 PM

As mentioned in a old Negro Spiritual &delivered by Forrest Whitaker's character (James Farmer,Sr ) in THE GREAT DEBATERS' "We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do" Keep writing & I 'll keep reading.
i am guy said on August 20, 2011 3:16 PM

@lovegraceandhope maybe at some point. I def appreciate the offer!! I'm keeping a little close to the vest at the moment. I am shooting to be done with the first draft before Jan 1. Lots of advantages to self-pub. But shopping around your manuscript might prove to be good feedback at least.

@karenf thank you so much!! very nice! always.

@eclaire such a GOOD quote. I'm a quotes freak:)

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