Some days life feels faster than my feet can travel, and grief, a blurry path.
The thing about grief is that it is typically pretty unpredictable. If grief were a path in and of itself, it would surely be a winding one wandering through changing landscapes. It would be curving and irregular, up and down, sideways and underneath, usually not making much sense, but still, mostly moving forward to somewhere; maybe to where you first began, often and again. It would be easier if grief followed a linear movement getting you straight from point A to point B, but grief lazily moves along and seems to be in not much of a hurry to get anywhere in particular, at any particular time. It is just a present company for an undetermined stretch. ...And then one day, maybe it will be gone with little notice. ...Or maybe it will exit abruptly after a breakdown forcing you to finally face lingering suppressed emotions. And of course, maybe, it will always be present. Faint, but present. Most people do not seem to know. Sure, there are indicators and measurements that hint at where a person is at in processing through grief, but those are mere hints of what has been processed, not projections of how much processing remains.
I shyly mention my grief at the risk of alienating myself even more from those close to me. When you are grieving, you are different from most people that you know and are close to. You stare more. You fade faster. You cry for very little reason or no identifiable reason at all. It is all very different from the gigantic majority surrounding you. It is easy to be misunderstood even by those who love you most. I may be grieving for years to come, but saying that does not properly represent where I am and what I feel. Loosing Marianne will always be a scar. I loved her forever. And in that love, there was nothing else to see, nothing to look for, nothing beyond. Life was what we were living together. It was beautiful,but it is no more. It did not, and will not, vanish as though it never existed. It simply became history. A history of our togetherness. That will always be a location in my chest and a chapter eternal. But life is in the present, and I believe wholeheartedly in God's strong redemptive ability. The redemption is not about restoring what was lost, but redeeming what seems hopeless and pointless and finding me with something new. A life with the full potential of love as full and rich as the historied love shared a lifetime ago. Granted, life is and will be different. However, the redemptive crescendo and absolute beauty of it all is that love on many levels will hold a unique weight all of its own. That love of the real, meaningful kind can be discovered and thrive and trusted in the desert of loss is a certain miracle to me. One that I am thankful for, indeed.
Though I cannot see it and though I am lonely and though I feel directionless and lost many times throughout this day, I know that this is a new day still immature and dawning, but holding a love all of its own. That is enough to lift my foot for another step even on a crowded path blurred by grief.
(Psalm 126:5)
So you will always have a sense of loss that opens the door to the secret place of God's dwelling, wherein lies eternal, unfailing Love. And you are different from all other people without loss or with loss and without God because you have immediate access to Someone who knows you and treasures you and understands you. So while others may fear sorrow, you have come to love where it brings you...straight to God's comfort? Is that what you mean by finding and anticipating love in your life?
I wouldn't say I'm different from others' loss. Maybe it's similar and unique. That's not really the point. Feeling different from most is not something external but more internal within me. And finding love is rather simple, love discovered with Marianne, love found newly in God through this year, love blossoming and maturing with the girls and anticipating love's presence in tomorrow. I have no idea what that looks like exactly, but I know that God being the source guarantees it.
yes
This was a beautiful & honest post. I appreciate your authenticity & for sharing your world with us. There isn't a day that goes by that I think of Marianne. I'm so thankful that you two shared the love that you did. It was amazing to see my beautiful friend be so happy. You lived an incredible life together. I consistently pray that God will meet you where you are and that all of this will be redeemed.
I love this line from your post: "The redemption is not about restoring what was lost, but redeeming what seems hopeless and pointless and finding me with something new. A life with the full potential of love as full and rich as the historied love shared a lifetime ago."
We love you Guy!
I intended to say that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Marianne. But, I know you knew what I meant. :)
Guy, I can't tell you how many times God has put you and the girls at the forefront of my mind to stop and pray. I can only imagine the ride that grief has brought you on this past year. My prayer is for God to continue to draw you in with His love and all that it encompasses, both now and into the future. That was a beautifully written glimpse into your heart and the internal struggles that challenge you daily--thank you for sharing your thoughts in such an honest way. You will never know what a precious gift these words are and will be to the countless others who are also trying to make sense of similar situations.
Grief is hard to sit in. It is not liner process for sure. The hope is that the sting is felt further between. Love your honest thoughts, Guy. Hope your book is coming along well for you.