We were half way through the ride, my first time on a mountain bike in well over eight years. At the top of a drop off apparently known as the ‘piss and scream’, I contemplated several things that contributed to my safety and well-being. For starters, I had not been on a mountain bike trail in over eight years. My sense of balance and instinct on my bike lacked a certain crispness and confidence necessary for sharp corners and fast transitioning terrain. Of equal importance was the fact that my bike had not been tuned up or adjusted since the day I bought it, close to ten years earlier. In the more challenging parts of the ten mile trail, I could tell that my bike was as out of shape as I was. The brakes didn’t really bite or respond the way I needed them to, the gears kept skipping and my seat was positioned too high. All of these issues caused me to lack confidence on the trail, but this drop off was one of the more challenging and intimidating parts of the trail. Standing at the top, looking over my handle bars, the drop appeared to be only slightly more horizontal than a straight vertical drop. I estimated it to be at least 20 foot change in elevation from top to bottom. What made that part of the trail even more intimidating was the fact that as soon as you hit the bottom with ridiculous speed, you had to brake slightly to make the right 90 degree turn through two trees a tad bit wider than standard handle bar width.
In a moment of delirium and testosterone, I closed my eyes for a second, white-knuckled my handle bars and just went for it. Honestly, I probably wasn’t experienced enough to attempt any technical parts of the trail especially this part. I opened my eyes half way down in just enough time to adjust for the turn at the bottom, nicking my right elbow on one of the trees. I did it. I just went for it and gave it all of my effort in that moment.
The first few words that came out of my mouth in response to Elizabeth’s question, “Is S-E-X a bad thing?”, felt a lot like just going for it on the trail that day. It was one of the most intimidating moments I have ever experienced as a dad.
Here’s a truth I learned: effort most often displaces experience.
I asked her what she knew and understood sex to be.
“Making out and sleeping in bed.”
That was plenty enough to tell me that the topic of sex was discussed in conversation with friends and classmates. Right then and there, I knew that not only did I need to try to find an answer for her question, but more importantly I needed to set right the reality of what sex is all about. It was a golden opportunity.
I could see her more fully attentive as I told her that sex was not a bad thing at all. In fact, sex is a very good thing that is experienced between a man and a woman who make a promise and a commitment to be husband and wife forever. “That’s what God intended sex to be. Something very intimate shared between two people who blend their lives together, forever. After all, where do you think you came from?”
“So, a husband and a wife sleep together and that’s sex?”
“Uh, well...yeah.”
I figured this is as much as she needs to know at this point. The details can come as she gets a little older.
In that conversation, I realized something and became very resolute and passionate about it. If I do not have this talk, then I will forfeit the opportunity to score truth in her life and establish a good foundation in my daughter’s heart. If I don’t speak up, then someone else will. The last thing I want is for someone else to speak into her life in this area.
Dads, I believe completely that it is exactly us who should be the voice speaking to the truth of love and relationships in our daughters’ lives. This includes the uncomfortable talk about S-E-X. I have no choice in the matter, and neither do they. My girls do not have their mom anymore. They only have me. And it’s a good thing because I am the most perfect person on this planet to be the one to establish how love is defined in their lives. Dads, even though your situation may be different from mine, you should not abandon this talk to her mom. A daughter needs their daddy more than ever as they grow older, not less. Traditionally, the tendency is for the dad to become more distant as his little girl who liked to wrestle and follow him around begins to develop and mature into a young woman. But this is when daughters need their daddy the most to love them, accept them and being just as involved helping them navigate through the changes, as they develop into young women.
You do not need to have all the answers. You really do not even need to have a single discernible answer as much as you must have an open, accepting heart that is engaged in their lives as it changes. And dads, think about it like this: if you do not establish your daughter’s definition and idea of love, someone else will. The last person I want establishing love in any of my daughters’ lives and being the non-discriminant open arms to them is some sensationally and hormonally driven, pimple raging boy who is ‘there’ for them.
To this end, I’ll fore-go experience and give that conversation all the effort I’ve got to see that love is defined by my willingness to go wherever they need me to go in conversation and always expect my arms to be open to them as they find their way in life. One emotional day, I will give each of my daughters away to a man each of their choosing. I can do more than only hope he is good.
By defining love and establishing the idea of sex as something really good and intimate shared between two people who commit their lives together, I can almost create the man that they will identify and notice in the future. I do not want them falling into the arms of someone who happens to be available. He will be the one. And I will have done my job.
In a moment of delirium and testosterone, I closed my eyes for a second, white-knuckled my handle bars and just went for it. Honestly, I probably wasn’t experienced enough to attempt any technical parts of the trail especially this part. I opened my eyes half way down in just enough time to adjust for the turn at the bottom, nicking my right elbow on one of the trees. I did it. I just went for it and gave it all of my effort in that moment.
The first few words that came out of my mouth in response to Elizabeth’s question, “Is S-E-X a bad thing?”, felt a lot like just going for it on the trail that day. It was one of the most intimidating moments I have ever experienced as a dad.
Here’s a truth I learned: effort most often displaces experience.
I asked her what she knew and understood sex to be.
“Making out and sleeping in bed.”
That was plenty enough to tell me that the topic of sex was discussed in conversation with friends and classmates. Right then and there, I knew that not only did I need to try to find an answer for her question, but more importantly I needed to set right the reality of what sex is all about. It was a golden opportunity.
I could see her more fully attentive as I told her that sex was not a bad thing at all. In fact, sex is a very good thing that is experienced between a man and a woman who make a promise and a commitment to be husband and wife forever. “That’s what God intended sex to be. Something very intimate shared between two people who blend their lives together, forever. After all, where do you think you came from?”
“So, a husband and a wife sleep together and that’s sex?”
“Uh, well...yeah.”
I figured this is as much as she needs to know at this point. The details can come as she gets a little older.
In that conversation, I realized something and became very resolute and passionate about it. If I do not have this talk, then I will forfeit the opportunity to score truth in her life and establish a good foundation in my daughter’s heart. If I don’t speak up, then someone else will. The last thing I want is for someone else to speak into her life in this area.
Dads, I believe completely that it is exactly us who should be the voice speaking to the truth of love and relationships in our daughters’ lives. This includes the uncomfortable talk about S-E-X. I have no choice in the matter, and neither do they. My girls do not have their mom anymore. They only have me. And it’s a good thing because I am the most perfect person on this planet to be the one to establish how love is defined in their lives. Dads, even though your situation may be different from mine, you should not abandon this talk to her mom. A daughter needs their daddy more than ever as they grow older, not less. Traditionally, the tendency is for the dad to become more distant as his little girl who liked to wrestle and follow him around begins to develop and mature into a young woman. But this is when daughters need their daddy the most to love them, accept them and being just as involved helping them navigate through the changes, as they develop into young women.
You do not need to have all the answers. You really do not even need to have a single discernible answer as much as you must have an open, accepting heart that is engaged in their lives as it changes. And dads, think about it like this: if you do not establish your daughter’s definition and idea of love, someone else will. The last person I want establishing love in any of my daughters’ lives and being the non-discriminant open arms to them is some sensationally and hormonally driven, pimple raging boy who is ‘there’ for them.
To this end, I’ll fore-go experience and give that conversation all the effort I’ve got to see that love is defined by my willingness to go wherever they need me to go in conversation and always expect my arms to be open to them as they find their way in life. One emotional day, I will give each of my daughters away to a man each of their choosing. I can do more than only hope he is good.
By defining love and establishing the idea of sex as something really good and intimate shared between two people who commit their lives together, I can almost create the man that they will identify and notice in the future. I do not want them falling into the arms of someone who happens to be available. He will be the one. And I will have done my job.
The "Way" to go Guy :)))
wow thats awesome good job p.guy
Couldn't have said it better. Daughters do need their fathers! Have you heard the Shane and Shane song, The One You Need? look it up, it's great for the topic:)
Ah.. The cliffnotes!